So, you’ve lost your virginity. But, what does that even mean? What are you “losing” when you have sex for the first time? Some believe virginity can range anywhere from having oral sex for the first time, having heterosexual or homosexual sex with someone that you truly love for the first time, or any other type of consensual sexual interaction. There are many different scenarios and its important to understand that people are free to have their own definitions for their own experiences.
Women in high school and college struggle with the concept of virginity; it sometimes seems our self worth and “popularity” ride on when we “lose” it. For women specifically, it seems we can never handle it in accordance with society’s expectations; “If you say you haven’t, you’re a prude; if you say you have, you’re a slut,” explained Allison to Claire in The Breakfast Club. This double negative creates various views and misconceptions that keep women from having confidence in their sexuality.
The concept of virginity has been in society for a long time, first commonly used to describe the holy virgin Mary. One common feminist theory suggests men invented the concept to organize women as a commodity: if she was “used,” she was not worth one’s time or money. It also inserted paternity. Women were expected to be pure, and if they engaged in sex they no longer deserved a respectable status, according to The Atlantic.
Paternity is also expressed through the idea of virginity “loss”- lost to or taken from a man in a heterosexual relationship. Common phrases regarding sex often discuss women in the passive voice- an action being done to them- while men are illustrated as dominant through use of the active voice- they are the one performing the action. This not only marginalizes women, but completely excludes LGBTQ+ couples in the concept of “first time” intercourse. Not all men intentionally control woman in this way, or do same-sex relationships necessarily have a different experience, yet same-sex relationships offer a platform for a more equal balance in power.
The idea that a man ‘pops her cherry’ has a violent connotation, and is also misleading. There is very little discussion of the hymen and its function-–which only sometimes tears or bleeds depending on lubrication and arousal. If a hymen does break, it will repair itself. Every woman’s first time is different–– their body’s physical response, their level of pleasure, and their satisfaction with it.
The famous “virgin” Mary heavily influenced American culture, where women have constantly been pressured by the conservatism of protestant America. Today, abstinence only education encourages the vow to purity. According to the New York Times, in 2014 about half of American middle schools and three-quarters of high schools focused on abstinence, while only 43 percent of these institutions mentioned Birth Control. Purity balls–– a celebration of the vow to abstinence until marriage between daughters and their fathers, or partners––still occur in the Bible Belt. The purity ring-a ring a father gives to his daughter as a promise to stay pure until marriage-is also common and very prevalent in American culture and media. Companies have used purity rings as a marketing stunt, sensationalizing virginity.
Simultaneously, America’s mainstream media––movies, television and advertisement–gains much of its success through the hypersexualization of women. Women in close to no clothes with a specific body type are used to draw in consumers for everything from a burger to cleaning supplies. Because of the prevalence of social media, men are exposed to this one type of female behavior and beauty everyday. This sets the norm for girls at a young age. The American teen girl is told she will be sought after if she acts like “Girls Gone Wild.”
Those who fall between both extremes may have found a happy medium. A third of the interviewees for Laura Carpenter’s novel Virginity Lost saw their first time as a part of growing up. They value the sacredness of their bodies like those vowed to abstinence, yet embrace exploration of sexuality like women influenced by the media. They understand the importance of safety and consent. They do not over value intercourse, and saw “lesser” acts of sex just as valuable or intimate. Comparably, those who practiced abstinence were more likely to engage in oral sex–– just as vulnerable to STIs–– while those who stigmatized their own virginity felt these acts did not fully satisfy their sexual status. For the most part, women are still damned if they do, damned if they don’t.
These conflicting messages create a teen female population in America varied in their views on their own sexuality. The girls of the purity ball culture see their virginity as incredibly sacred. They believe that when they finally have intercourse, it will be a fairytale moment that will intrinsically connect them to their partners and strengthen their love. Unfortunately, for girls across the spectrum, their first time is not always what it is cracked up to be. That can leave those who have waited to feel confused or lost. They often feel incredibly guilty for having sex, or blame themselves for the lack of pleasure. On the other hand, the hypersexualizaiton of women often encourages many to be ashamed of virginity. They believe their self worth is determined by their sex appeal, and that they will be a new person post-first time. This group of women may intentionally become under the influence in order to “hook up” with someone and “get it over with.” These women put their comfort and safety at risk for status.
Luckily, comprehensive sexual education has become increasingly common in the past decade. America is taking notes from Scandinavian countries and has begun to teach the entirety of the female anatomy, the concept of consent, and the importance of female self-pleasure. In the end, the emphasis should be on comfort. Some may be ready to have sex at a much earlier or later age, but should not jeopardize their bodies’ value just because society “said so.” There should be less of an emphasis on media telling women what to feel and how to act. Women should be driven by their own emotions and pleasures.
Ladies, you are beautiful. Shut out society’s shouts and murmurs and open up to you; ‘what does my body like, want, and what is it ready to experience?’
